By Sheila Orysiek

It’s simply a fact of life that you can’t even pretend to be a Jew (by choice or otherwise) unless you make an attempt to master the intricacies of the national motto:

Oy Vey Iz Mir

This simple phrase expresses all the infinite varieties of human experience and expression (we’ve been working on it for 5000 years).  It is a historical fact that the beginnings of oy vey began in the beginning (the very beginning): Genesis.  G-D woke up on a dreary drippy November Sunday morning and said: “Oy vey, what am I going to do today?”  And so, He decided to occupy His time by creating – oy vey – a universe.  The rest is history.

The complete phrase: Oy vey iz mir means: “ow-pain-is-me.” The operative word is “pain” which actually can mean anything.  It covers a world (universe) of events/outcomes/expectations that involve both animate and inanimate objects.  This variety is exponentially extended by the use of raised (or lowered) eyebrows, rolling eyes, sneers, smirks, wicked grins, sighs (both in and out), timbre, tempo, and decibel level of voice (or chuckle) – as well as use of hands and shrugging shoulders.  It can be either a simple statement of fact or express a world of disappointed unrequited love as well as project outwardly/inwardly inflicted guilt.  The first word of the phrase – oy - can be used alone or for further emphasis oy vey.  The entire phrase is reserved for truly special occasions. 

For instance:

Original Intent:  OY VEY IZ MIR said plaintively just before opening wide to have a root canal.

However, immediately understanding the potentials of the phrase, its use was quickly  expanded to cover much more utilizing the addition of inflected voice patterns such as:

Explosively:  OY VEY!   A puppy is walking across the freeway!

Knowingly:  Your husband has just made the fifth u-turn and still won’t ask for directions.

Guilt: (inwardly directed) said softly with a sigh - your best friends remember your birthday but you forgot theirs. (all of them)

Guilt: (outwardly directed) your son has finally called after three months and you want him to understand this grieves you, but you don’t want to turn him away for another three months, so you say oy vey so he can barely hear it and quickly add that you are saying oy vey because you always have a headache but when he calls you your headache goes away which explains your three-month headache.

Jealously:  Your worst enemy just won the biggest lottery in the country.  Say it to yourself but just loud enough for everyone else to hear as you roll your eyes, elevate eyebrows and throw up your hands (and stomach contents).

Surprise (negative):  Oy Vey!  Your husband smashes on the brakes and didn’t warn you ahead of time and you were looking the other way and now you have a crick in your neck for which he is responsible.  (You reinforce this at night as you recite the complete phrase oy vey iz mir every time you turn over in bed.)

Surprise (positive):  you passed the advanced thermal dynamics course without studying.  (And you weren’t even enrolled in the course.)

Repetitively: Oy-yoy-yoy (it runs all together).   Everyone in your world now knows they are really in trouble for not feeling enough guilt about the pain they’ve caused you.

Disbelief:  Oy vey (said internally) – your best friend loves her new hairdo – but she doesn’t realize the new dye job is really purple.  Bright purple.  And you haven’t the guts to tell her.  So, the oy vey is both for her (pity) and for you (because you are a coward).

Exasperation:  Oy vey – emphasis on the last syllable with a deep sigh – your husband parked the car at the mall in a slot  farthest from the store entrance – in an empty parking lot.  And now you have to walk and your shoes are killing your corns.  Being male, his shoes are comfortable.

Thank-Goodness-That’s-Not-Me-Category:  someone walks by pushing a stroller combo for quints.

Imagining:  Oy vey – said with an upward inflection at the end (and upward tilt of eyes) – at the sight of a bull elephant in heat.

Sympathetically:  spoken very softly with a sigh, earnest teary eyes and slowly nodding head – your friend is telling you how her dog died.

Humor: Oy vey accompanying a loud full laugh – at the sexiest funniest joke you’ve heard.

A Call to Arms:  OY VEY IZ MIR!  (a fly has landed on the salad)

Appreciatively:  Oy vey said at the conclusion of a joke that you really don’t find funny but you don’t want the other person to feel bad.  This is sort of another side of inwardly directed guilt –after all it’s probably your own fault you didn’t get the joke.  Or it’s your fault that you have such deficient friends who can’t even tell a joke the right way.

Pain  (this goes back to original intent): Oy! (pause) Vey! as the matzo ball hits your ribs.

Reinforcement:  Oy vey said to yourself when the stupidest person you know just did something even stupider – like making a copy of a key that doesn’t work.

Self Deprecation:  Oy (emphasis on the first word) vey – you’ve been looking for your car in a crowded lot and forgot you took the “other” car today.

Remorse:  Oy vey said loud enough for everyone to hear and with a sigh deep enough for everyone to remember – that you forgot to feed the cat and so it ate the pet parakeet.

Embarrassment:  Oy vey iz mir – the complete phrase – in embarrassment for the ballerina who just fell out of her pointe shoes right in the middle of Swan Lake in front of 20,000 people at the Hollywood Bowl – and her partner just let her lie there in the lake and now she’s soggy.

Frustration:  A drawer won’t open, a door won’t close, the clothes come out of the dryer still wet, the dog just shook himself dry in the living room, and your cake baked for Oneg Shabbat just collapsed.

What-Me-Worry?  (philosophical)  Oy vey spoken with a shrug of the shoulders ‘cuz everything has gone wrong today so why not just accept it.

oy vey (no caps) definitely said inaudibly when your wife expects you to KNOW what she wants but WON’T say it.

Meditatively:  Said softly as you look out the window and realize that you don’t know the names of any of today’s movie stars or singers, the entire United States military establishment is younger than you are, or that you have to explain to people what oy vey iz mir means and is all about.  The world has left you behind.

And finally…….a real oy vey iz mir for the length of this treatise.  But (oy vey) I’d feel guilty if I left anything out.  With customary brilliance the Jewish people have found a phrase that covers every contingency of life.

Do you believe that? 

Oy vey.

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Sheila Orysiek is a Dance Critic and writes for Ballet.co.uk as well as Journal of the Dance Critics Association and Tinnitus Today.  Previous affiliations: Masthead writer for Dance Europe Magazine, Criticaldance.com. and various other publications of critique, feature articles, and poetry. 

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