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RABBINIC INSIGHTS
Some hints for the fire victims and their friends from two who went through it
By Rabbi Wayne Dosick
CARLSBAD, California—As Yogi used to say, “It was deja vu all over again.”
As Ellen and I watched the devastating fires race through San Diego county, we could not help but be reminded of eleven years ago, when our home, along with 100 others, was destroyed in the wildfire that was called “Harmony Grove.”
 We well remember the sense of loss, and bewilderment, and grief that we experienced, and our hearts ache for those who have lost their lives, and for those who lost loved ones, and for those who have lost their homes and their possessions, and for all those - all of us together in this community - whose lives have been turned topsy-turvy, and whose sense of security has been so sorely tested. And, we grieve, as well, for the land and for her inhabitants, who now must grow up again from out of the ashes.
Our own experience with loss from fire has given us some perspective from which, most humbly, we offer some counsel and guidance.
First: to all of us. We have all seen and felt the wrath of the fire, and we have all gone through turmoil and trauma. Smoke fills the air - and our lungs - and the earth has churned up her toxins that seep into our beings.
So, we must take good care of ourselves. Drink lots of water. Eat regularly. Take vitamins to replenish that which has been lost. Exercise to release the poisons. And laugh. Yes, in the face of pain and suffering, laugh, because laughter release the endorphins that help heal from within.
Then, to those of us fortunate enough to have not lost home and possessions: our neighbors and our friends need us. They need our comfort, and our hugs, and our love. They need our silence, so that they can speak and weep, as we hold them and catch their tears.
We have learned that it is not helpful to say, “Let me know if there is anything you need - anything at all.” First, our friends may not yet know or discern what they need, and second, they may not know how to ask. So, F.A.N.A.M.I. “Find A Need And Meet It.” Without being asked, take the children for a day or an afternoon to play with your children. Show up with a pizza. Go to the dry cleaners and pick up the shirts that are waiting there. Bring some pens and pencils and pads of paper, so that your friend has something to write with. Begin compiling an address book, so that your friend has important phone numbers that have been lost. Collect pictures and make them into a little gift album, to return a bit of history to your friend. Do without being asked. Do what you know must be done. Give the great gift of friendship, wrapped in the practicalities of the moment. And, remember, the moment changes - moment by moment.
Now, specifically to those who have lost homes and possessions: You are going through unimaginable stress and pain. Even though you may seem - even to yourself - to be coping, you will be in shock for days if not weeks, and, then, many may experience post-traumatic stress. You will be grieving - with outward manifestation and inward pain - for a long time.
Grieving is like getting onto a white water raft. You know that, eventually, the raft will bring you to the calm and serene waters. But, the journey getting there is filled with churning upheaval. And, the journey has a mind of its own - controlling you more than you might think. Sometimes the waters will take you gently down stream. Sometimes you will be caught up in bubbling, roiling waves. Sometimes, you will be thrown into the swirling waters, and battered by the rocks. Sometimes you will be tossed up onto the shore to rest for a while, but the river and the raft will always pull you back.
Grieving has at least five stages, that were taught to us by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is a process that takes its own time. That is why the ancient Jewish sages (more than 2,000 years before “modern psychology” “discovered” these truths) set up stages of mourning for us, which they institutionalized and sanctified by declaring them “Jewish law.”
Immediately following a death, in the period before the funeral (or, in this case, standing in the still-smoldering ashes of what until yesterday was your home) a mourner is exempt from performing all ritual commandments (to have the time and space to make funeral arrangements.) And, being in such raw in grief, no real mourning can take place, so, the sages taught, “Do not comfort the mourner while his dead are still before him.”
The funeral begins the seven day intense period of mourning, called shivah, followed by another 23 days (totaling 30; thus the period is called shloshim, meaning 30) when some visible signs of mourning are still present, yet are coupled with a slow, deliberate return to the everyday world.
Then comes the eleven month period of saying kaddish, and then the anniversary of the death - commemorated at the end of the first year, and in every year thereafter - with yahrzeit, often accompanied by the setting of the grave marker.
In establishing what they brilliantly understood to be the psychological needs of mourning into Jewish law, the sages gave us the opportunity to do what the moderns call “grief work.” And work it is. That's why it is called “grief work,” and not “grief play.” It is a hard and arduous task to come up from “out of the depths,” and, as the Psalmist describes it, “to turn mourning into dancing.” Yet, in can be done, as long as you understand that it is a process that takes time - and work.
Understand, also, that every person mourns and grieves in individual ways. What is right for one is not best for another. Well meaning friends may suggest, or insist, that you “get back to life” before you are ready. Well meaning friends may hesitate to include you “in life” when you are ready. Grieve - and heal - as you will, as you must. Grieve - and heal - on your timetable, and according to your needs - not anyone else's.
And know - and this is vitally important - that husbands and wives will grieve in different ways and for different things. Ellen would not have been helpful to me if she had said, “Yeah, it was signed by Babe Ruth, but it was only a baseball.” And I would not have been helpful to her if I had said, “It's only a cheap glass vase. We can always get another one.” “They” say that marriage is 50-50. But, in reality, marriage is 90-10. Today, I need you tremendously, and you are there for me. Tomorrow, you need me tremendously, and I am, there for you. But, when a husband and wife experience a mutual trauma at the same time, they may use most of their energy for themselves, and not have as much left for the other. There is a greater divorce rate in the year following - God forbid! - the death of a child, than in any other year of marriage, except the first year. While tragedy brings some couples closer together, it also has the potential to tear husbands and wives apart. So, please remember and hold onto the love and honor that brought you together, and be gentle with each other, as you face this pain.
And, please know that the loss of a home and life's possession is like the death of a dream. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, you have to let go of the dream, before you can begin to dream again. You cannot soar to new places of imagination, while you are still being dragged back by the weight of “what was.” Please learn from the wise old woman who, contemplating many changes in her life and the life of her community, told me, “Vat vas, ain't.” What was is shattered and gone. You can hold onto it in warm memory, but there has to be an honoring of the shattering, before the healing and the rebuilding can truly begin.
So, with the sharing of some of this practical guidance, we are left with the compelling theoretical and theological question: Where was God in the fire?
Please come back to this column next time, as we grapple and wrestle with this age-old question in contemporary garb.
Dosick is spiritual leader of the Elijah Minyan in Carlsbad
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A town meeting at Foggy Bottom
By Shoshana Bryen
WASHINGTON, D.C.—We didn't think there was anything left you could tell us about the State Department that would make us cringe and say, "EEEEWWW, yuck." But there is and we've heard it.
The State Department has filled about 200 of the 250 required Foreign Service Officer (FSO) slots in Iraq for postings in Summer 2008. The announcement has been made that others may be filled by involuntary assignment, something that has not happened since the late 1960s.
Yesterday, State held a "town meeting" (in what must be the most rarified town in America) where its personnel vented loud and long about Iraq, some of which was aired on radio. "It's dangerous; I might get killed." "Who will raise my children?" "This is unrealistic and unfair." "I didn't sign up for this."
Oh yes, you did. You signed up to serve the foreign policy interests of the Government of the United States. You took an oath "to flag and country" that includes "worldwide availability," according to Human Resources Director Harry Thomas. It's nice to do it in Brussels or Bermuda, but our country's most pressing foreign policy interests are in Iraq and yes, Iraq is dangerous. So are Lebanon, Kenya and Tanzania; it was dangerous - deadly - to be Cleo Noel and George Curtis Moore. But there they were, American diplomats fulfilling their chosen duty to our government when PLO terrorists assassinated them in Sudan in 1973. You are little different from soldiers who volunteer to serve and then serve where they are sent. And Iraq is where the soldiers are - every day, helping, working, fighting and dying in a place they no doubt prefer not to be, but in a place the government needs them.
It cannot be right to send our military, but fail to provide them with diplomatic support. Even American soldiers cannot do everything. They have done an extraordinary job of creating secure space in Iraq. Beyond that, they have turned themselves inside out to teach Iraqis how to govern from the ground up - organizing, mediating, and creating strategies to help Iraqis meet the minimal requirements of consensual government and learn to serve the people. But the Iraqi government needs civilian, diplomatic and organizational help - and that is the job of State Department personnel.
We have been pressing other governments in the Middle East to establish full relations with the government of Iraq. We have been pressing the Europeans and Asians to give Iraq non-military assistance and try to shore up the civilian side. How can we ask other countries' diplomats to do what our diplomats will not do?
A recent poll conducted by the American Foreign Service Association found that only 12 percent of FSOs believe that Secretary Rice is "fighting for them." Gee. We thought her job was to represent the President of the United States in diplomatic intercourse.
This leads to the suspicion that, aside from the obvious danger, some State Department personnel may not be fully vested in the success of the mission in Iraq. To the extent that is true, we cite Mr. Thomas: "If someone decides they do not want to go, then we would then consider appropriate actions... We have many options, including dismissal from the Foreign Service."
Bryen is director of special projects for the Jewish Institute for National Security Affairs
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CRITIC AT LARGE
Monte Python-style comic riff on
the Bible offered at San Diego Rep
By Larry Zeiger
SAN DIEGO—The San Diego Rep’s latest production of The Bible: The Complete Word of God . (abridged) is insanely funny from start to finish. Written by the very talented Adam Long, Reed Martin, and Austin Tichenor, this is a theater work with three hilarious actors portraying hundreds of characters beginning with Adam and Eve and ending with New Testament “revelations.”
Actors Michael Faulkner, Jerry Kernion, and Brent Tubbs keep the action moving at a swift pace employing every comic device from slapstick, ludicrous situations, mismatched characters (Eve is a man), vaudevillian shtick, and creating chaos out of order at every twist and turn of the tale. The production is innocent fun that audiences of any faith or those who have no faith at all will enjoy! Sabbath School was never like this!!!
Faulkner, Kernion, and Tubbs know how to work an audience. Be forewarned that latecomers are treated as evildoers and become a part of the production throughout the night. If you don't pay attention to the action on stage, you may fall victim to the cast and become part of the production. These actors are superb at improvisation, and when something goes wrong, they can take a mispronounced word or a missed cue and create a hilarious situation for their audiences.
Highlights of the play include the sections on the Tower of Babel, Book of Job, Moses and the Ten Commandments, the Three Wise Men (in the midst of a baseball game), the Last Supper, and watch out for the section on Noah and the Ark - you may find yourself on stage as the star of the scene! Costumes are wonderfully awful which also add to the humor. Wait until you see Eve, the Easter Bunny, Moses, and Jesus and Mary!
The script by Adam Long, Reed Martin, and Austin Tichenor (Martin and Tichenor also direct the production) is fast paced for the most part. Characters make entrances and exits at breakneck speed employing many of the techniques of the Marx Bros. best physical humor, and the actors use great word play which rival the works of Monty Python and Mel Brooks. Moses has updated The Ten Commandments with material ripped from the headlines of the morning paper.
Long, Martin, and Tichenor are members of the Reduced Shakespeare Company are also responsible for The Complete Works of William Shakesepeare (abridged) and All the Great Books (abridged) – all of which are on sale in the lobby after each performance – and the cast will graciously autograph anything you buy! Their techniques of writing include taking long serious works and turning them into cleverly written farces using references to pop culture and contemporary life throughout.
The Old and New Testament populated with great stories, conflicts, memorable characters, soaring conflicts, and provocative themes make for great source material for the writers of The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged) , a play rich in laughter, gentle in spirit, and visually fun to watch. It's a revelation (of sorts).
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The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged) runs though November 11 at the San Diego Repertory Theatre at the Lyceum at Horton Plaza
SAN DIEGO JEWISH WORLD
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
• WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "Sandy Koufax, Jackie Robinson are role models for this baseball story"
Joe Naiman in El Cajon, California: "Short Track Racecars in Ramona and its owners weather the Witch Creek Fire"
Isaac Yetiv in La Jolla, California: "The fabled Rebbe Hai Tayeb lo-met of Tunisia bests a Jerusalem Talmudist"
• TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30
Garry Fabian in Melbourne, Australia: "Communal lethargy dogs Jewish roof body" ... "Go-ahead for Jewish same-sex unions" ... "Jewish journalist nominated for Walkley Award" ... "Aussie educators link with Israel"
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "Ad hoc task force lays traps for scammers in wake of fires"
Ira Sharkansky in Jerusalem: "Swift Swiftian response to Gaza rockets"
• MONDAY, OCTOBER 29
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "Rabbis prepare for theological questions about the fires."
Morton A. Klein in New York: "Palestinian agenda dooms Annapolis conference to failure"
Dorothea Shefer-Vanson in Jerusalem: "Scandals, corruption weaken Israel"
David Strom in San Diego: "The danger of substituting political faith for logic"
• SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "And after it all, still there is music"
Natasha Josefowitz in La Jolla, California: 'Old age: A privilege denied to lots of people"
Joe Naiman in Lakeside, California: "Jewish trainer wins Arab-sponsored Breeders' Cup race"
Sheila Orysiek in San Diego: "Waiting for FEMA, DEMA, SCHEMA and EMA"
• SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "Prayers amid the rubble and the ash."
Sandy Levin, Ph.D in La Jolla, California: "Women, listen to your hearts"
F. Jay Winheld in San Diego: "A century of Jewish cooking—an anthology of the good and the bad"
Larry Zeiger in San Diego: "Jersey Boys: Flashback to an era when anything seemed possible."
• FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26
Shoshana Bryen in Washington D.C.: "After withdrawals from Lebanon and Gaza, should Israel risk West Bank departure?"
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "As evacuation center, Qualcomm Stadium hosted all-around team."
Rabbi Baruch Lederman and Ron Cruger in San Diego: "Slipping the key out of the lock—for what may be the final time"
Rabbi Leonard Rosenthal in San Diego: "God was not in the fires, but in the 'still small voices' of responders"
• THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25
Donald H. Harrison in San Diego: "100+ Jewish homes lost in San Diego County fires; donations mounting"
Joe Naiman in Lakeside, California: "Youkilis, 2-5, three runs, two doubles in World Series debut"
Ira Sharkansky in Jerusalem: "Myths and the making of policy."
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