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Planning a bar/ bat mitzvah: a survival guide for
parents
By Audrey Jacobs
San Diego Jewish Press-Heritage, January 10, 2003
If you have attended a bar or bat mitzvah recently and have children under 13,
you may be thinking, "How am I going to plan a party like that?" But,
if
you get informed and organized, you can plan a great party and survive the
process.
What kind of party?
Unlike the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony itself, the party is not governed by any
rules or a specific order. To start the planning process, first ask yourself
what kind of party you want: big and lavish or small and intimate? You should
consider the feeling you want your guests to have when they
leave. For example, do you want them to think, "Wow they must have spent a
fortune"; "Wow, the kids had a great time!" or "What a
lovely, meaningful
party"?
Do you need a theme?
A bar/bat mitzvah marks your child¹s entry into full participation in Jewish
life. The essence of bar/bat mitzvah itself is a beautiful theme that can
spark creative ideas rooted in tradition, such as tzedakah-themed centerpieces,
which you can combine with your child's interests. For example, one bat mitzvah
girl loved animals and wanted an animal theme for her bat mitzvah party. So she
created centerpieces of pet toys, food and accessories, which the family donated
to the Helen Woodward Animal Center. "If you¹re having a party based on a
religious experience, it should be a religious party and should reflect what the
child is claiming to be," said Rabbi Avram Bogopulsky of Beth Jacob
Congregation.
Involve your child
Although he or she may be overwhelmed with studying, ask your son or daughter
for input during the planning process. Typical of teenagers, they may say they
don't care, but every time you make decisions about the invitation, location,
food or entertainment, ask them what they think. Despite the predictable
squabbles, just smile and remember they¹ll have the same disagreements with
their future spouses over planning their weddings.
Get help!
Once you decide on the type of party, don't panic. Get help. Consult experienced
friends, read books and search the Internet. Also, most caterers
or party rental companies can help you plan and manage the party. If you're
totally terrorized, hire a professional event planner. It may be worth the
peace of mind.
Where do you find these resources?
Books: For books, try The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Survival Guide by Randi
Reisfeld. It gives you information about what needs to get done and how. It
includes budget ideas, timelines and how to make the day less of a party and
more of a celebration of something meaningful. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Planbook by
Jane Lewit is another comprehensive guide to planning a meaningful religious
event with practical information. For a few laughs and to save a few bucks, try How
to Survive and Profit from Your Son¹s Bar Mitzvah or Other Significant Event
Where You Are Expected to Pay the Bill by Marvin Shapiro.
Web sites and software: San Diego has its own bar/bat mitzvah planning Website
at http://www.besasandiego.com, which
features many of our local
vendors. Two general sites with lots of great advice are Bar Mitzvah Party
Planning at http://www.barmitzvahs.org/partyplanning.php
and
http://www.party411.com/bar-batmitzvah.html.
On line, you can buy items like flowers or kipot from www.shopinisrael.com
(a great way to support Israel) and from www.barmitzvahfindit.com.
There's even software with already-made budgets, lists and guest-list tracking
called B'nai Mitzvah for Windows, located at www.castlecomputer.com/bnai.htm,
or My Bar/Bat Mitzvah Companion at http://www.fivestarsoftware.com/mitzvah.
Professional event planners: Even if you're well-organized, you can still
benefit from hiring a professional event planner. They know all the vendors,
can get you discounts, have lots of creative ideas and, most importantly, allow
you to enjoy the big day with someone else worrying about the
logistics. Expect to pay around $2,000 for their time. Either pay a flat fee or
pay hourly, but do not pay a percentage of the total bill, or they have
no incentive to save you money. Also, ask planners if they charge the vendors a
"referral fee" and if you pay that.
"Event planners truly save you time, money and stress," says Sherrill
Kinsler, owner of Behind the Scenes Events Co. at www.behindthescenesevents.com.
"You make all the decisions without doing all the work. They can even limit
your liability by contracting with the
vendors." Most importantly, select an experienced planner who is familiar
with bar/bat mitzvahs and has good references. Experience can help you avoid
costly mistakes.
If you don't want a complete event planner but would like some help, select an
experienced bar/bat mitzvah party rental company. For no extra cost, they
will help you plan the event, refer you to all the vendors and help you
coordinate them.
"Come to us with a vision you want us to create and a budget to pay for it
and we¹ll make it happen," says Philip Silverman, an active member of the
Jewish community and owner of Raphael's Party Rentals at www.raphaelspartyrentals.com,
the only rental company that has all the equipment to serve all levels of
kashrut.
"When selecting any rental company, ask about their years of experience and
get good references from people you know," Silverman adds.
Get organized!
If you're ready to do this yourself, first go buy a three-hole punch and a big
binder with lots of dividers and clear envelopes to put in each section.
Binders are better than filing systems because you can take them with you to
meetings. Keep all business cards, estimates, notes, lists, etc. in their
proper areas.
Here are a few sections you can put in your binder: planning timeline, party
timeline, guest list, invitations, budget, location, decorations, caterer,
video/photo, entertainment and guest accommodations. Add to these and get as
detailed as you need.
Planning timeline: A child is born, start a bar/bat mitzvah fund and book a
hotel for the party. Okay, that¹s an exaggeration, but you must start early.
Two years ahead, you need to set the date with the synagogue and the reception
location... Another priority for surviving the process is to schedule yourself a
massage on the morning after the party.
Party timeline: It sounds a little obsessive, but you need a timeline for the
party. Start big, like when you would like to have the reception, and
get detailed, like the order for the candle-lighting ceremony. Depending on your
level of observance, you may want to wait until Shabbat ends to start the party.
It is also appropriate to have a reception immediately after the service, such
as a luncheon in the synagogue social hall.
There are no obligatory Jewish traditions around the celebration, but there are
many Jewish rituals that you can include to extend Jewish content into
the party. One mother, Rachel Levine, chose do to a beautiful Havdalah service
to mark the end of Shabbat and the beginning of her daughter Amy's
celebration. In addition, many families start the party with joyous dancing and
a hora where your child and sometimes the family are lifted in chairs.
If it's a Saturday luncheon, you should do a kiddush, a blessing over the
wine, and then before a meal say the motzi, the blessing over bread.
Then there's that candle-lighting ceremony. While it's not required, it's a nice
way to honor your family. The child usually lights 13 candles and one
for good luck. Group relatives and friends together to keep candles to 14.
Usually, a poem is read before each person is honored along with specific
music in the background for each candle or a melody of music throughout. A
memory candle for a deceased loved one is customarily the first candle.
Afterward, the traditional order is grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, older
relatives, younger relatives, friends of parents, friends of the guest
of honor, siblings, parents and the guest of honor.
The flow of the evening depends if you want to separate the kids' games and
music from the adults¹ experience. For example, Keren Stashower had the DJ and
kids' games in an adjoining room so the older relatives would not be affected by
the loud music. The teenagers and adults can also eat different
foods at different times. However, if you separate the kids from the adults,
find a way for the bar/bat mitzvah child to acknowledge the adults and
visiting guests.
"We had our son Scott go from table to table to chat with the guests and
thank then for coming," said Stashower. "We thought that was a nice
way to
teach him about being gracious and make our guests feel welcome and connected to
him."
Budget
You can spend anywhere from $2,500 to $100,000 on a bar/bat mitzvah party. More
money does not mean a better party, just a more lavish one.
So first set a budget, knowing that it will evolve as you plan. For a modest
kiddush lunch in the synagogue social hall or in someone¹s home, you can
spend $2,000. Plan on spending at least $5,000 if you plan to have the reception
at a hotel. The cost will increase depending on the number of
guests, the type of food, the amount of alcohol, the decorations and the
entertainment you have. Remember to ask those who went before you for tips
on saving money.
Location
Start with convenience when choosing your reception location. If your synagogue
has a lovely social hall and you like it, use it and maybe have a
dinner at your home later for out-of-town guests. If your home or a friend's is
close to the synagogue, it can make for a warm and inviting setting.
If the party is later in the evening, you don't have to find the closest
location, just ensure it is easy to find and easy to park at or offers valet
parking. If you choose a hotel, find one that is not only close to the
synagogue, but also close to your home, since you'll be back and forth
visiting with out-of-town guests.
"Having your reception at a hotel makes it so convenient," says
Jennifer Greffen, senior event manager at the Del Mar Marriott. "It's nice
for your
family to just come downstairs for the party." Layout is the second
criterion in choosing a location. Does it accommodate the flow of your party?
Greffen suggests you find a location that has a retreat room for adults so they
can visit with family, have a cocktail and not have to scream over music. You
may also consider having a separate space for the kids' entertainment like a
split ballroom.
Hotel or not?
Besides the hotel, the social hall and your backyard, there are many other
wonderful reception locations like the UCSD Faculty Club or the Prado in
Balboa Park. Whatever you choose, find a place that is used to accommodating big
parties and has extensive resources. Also, try to find a hotel or venue with a
special-events coordinator who has extensive bar/bat mitzvah experience. This
too can be a resource to help plan the flow of the party and to recommend other
vendors for cakes, décor and entertainment.
"One reason to choose a hotel is the low risk of problems and the
incredible backup systems," said Greffen. "We can deal with most any
problem that pops up, from unexpected guests to keeping the food warm because
the party is running behind."
With a hotel, one price per person covers everything but alcoholic beverages.
For a formal sit-down meal in a high-end hotel, you can pay $65
per adult, including tax and service charge, and $32 for a nice kids' buffet.
For another venue, you might have to pay separately for the cost of
the venue, tables, chairs, linens and the caterer.
Invitations and other printed items
The invitations are just the start of the printed items you might want for your
party. If you want to work with a professional, find one who handles
all the printed items and Judaica that you'll need. Other items you might want
printed are place cards for table seating, imprinted napkins and
programs for the service. Judaica items you may want are printed kipot for your
guests or a gift for your child of a tallit and a matching embroidered
bag.
"When looking for an invitation vendor, find someone with extensive Judaica
imagery and who can do the invitation in Hebrew and English," said Shirley
Sharff, who has been selling invitations and Judaica in San Diego for more than
25 years. Sharff continued: "Start your invitation search eight months out,
print no later than five months ahead and mail two months in advance."
Sharff said the cost ranges widely from $100 per 100 invitations for a simple
design and paper type to $1,000 or more per 100 for extravagant
designs.
Decorations
Here¹s where party planning gets fun. Try to create some decorative items you
can take home and remember, such as a large photograph of your child
that everyone can sign at the party's entrance or a message book. To make the
party festive in any location, try using balloon sculptures.
"Nothing says party more than balloons,² said Sandi Masori of Balloon
Utopia at www.balloonutopia.com.
"Balloons have become the number one choice for décor at bar/bat mitzvah
parties. The variety of possible creations is endless. Balloons are a fun way to
create atmosphere and highlight key
areas."
Masori advises that, when looking for a balloon vendor, you examine photographs,
appreciate their style and make sure they follow all California
balloon laws. For grand balloon displays you can expect to pay between $1,500
and $2,500.
Food and beverages
A good caterer can help to make this part of the party worry-free. If you have a
caterer, you only need to decide on the type of menu, cake, drinks,
tables, chairs and linens. One of the big differences in cost is buffet versus a
sit-down meal. Which is better? It depends on the feeling you want the reception
to have and your budget. Your range, from a light buffet in the social hall to a
sit-down dinner at a hotel, is $15 to $50 per adult. Don't forget that if you're
not in a hotel, additional expenses include renting tables, chairs, linens and
china— and, of course, the cake.
If there's anything you should taste in advance, it's the cake. Your guests will
really notice if it's dry or delectable. Since it's for your child, it
should look festive, not like a formal wedding cake. But creativity can be
costly. Here's a great money-saving cake secret. Buy a small decorative cake for
display and serve pieces of sheet cakes from the back room. It's the same
delicious filling, but without the cost of an enormous decorative cake.
Kosher or not?
This is a Jewish celebration, so even if you're not observant, consider a kosher
caterer to honor the occasion and accommodate all your guests. If you
choose not to cater kosher, consider a strictly dairy or non-dairy meal. At the
very least, don't serve pork or shellfish.
Separate food for kids and adults
Some families don't want the children to dine separately from the adults, so
they create a simple meal everyone will enjoy. However, if you do decide to
separate, it can affect the flow of the party.
"If you decide to serve different food for the kids and adults, then you
need two different agendas and dining locations," advises Charles Rubin,
CEO
of Shmoozers at www.shmoozers.com, a San
Diego kosher restaurant and caterer.
"In order to have enough food for everyone, you need to avoid the kids and
adults eating from each other's tables. Divide the flow of the party and
serve the adults while the kids are occupied and serve the kids while the adults
have different entertainment in a separate area."
Entertainment
If you want to dance, then you need music. Because of their creativity and
intense interaction with the kids, disc jockeys (DJs) have become the top
choice for bar/bat mitzvah parties.
Eric Sands, AKA "San Diego¹s Bar Mitzvah King," recommends: "Find
a DJ that specializes in bar mitzvahs and does them often. They need to be able
to
relate to the kids, know the hip contests, games and interactive dances, and not
be afraid to be on the dance floor where the action is. Finally, a good DJ
should help you pace and create a timeline for the flow of the party so you don¹t
stress about what happens next."
nterview a few DJs with your child and ask a lot of questions. Ask for a
contract, references and proof of insurance. Ask if they can guarantee the
DJ you pick and if you can meet them beforehand. Finally, don't forget to ask if
they can provide backup equipment and/or personnel in case of an
emergency. Plan to pay $1,000 for a basic music-and-games DJ to $7,000, which
would include video screens, party props, a light show and interactive dancers.
DJs may be the best choice for the kids, but don't forget the adults might enjoy
live music. Many parties now have a band for adults in one room and a
separate DJ for the kids. If you do this, be sure to have some intergenerational
dancing together, like the band playing a hora to get the
party started.
You can also forgo the DJ and just hire a good band. If you can book a band
leader like San Diego¹s Sebastian Winston Ph.D. at www.yochanan.com,
who is interactive with the kids and has a diverse repertoire of music from Top
40
to klezmer, you can make everyone happy.
Memories
Have you shown your child your bar/bat mitzvah photos or video? Since they mark
such an important milestone, again I recommend you hire a professional and buy a
bar/bat mitzvah package. However, you can save money if you know a professional
photographer or videographer who is willing to give you the negatives or the
video for you to develop and edit. But be honest with yourself: If you'd like
someone to take the photos or video and give you a finished product, these
packages are worth it. Unfortunately, good professionals book up two years in
advance and are not
inexpensive.
"You'll pay $800 to more than $2,000 for a photography package which should
include all their time, film, processing, proofs and a finished album,"
said
Gary Schacker, who has
photographed more than 600 area bar and bat mitzvahs. "Make sure you find
someone who is experienced and specializes in
documenting bar/bat mitzvahs; wedding photographers may not know where to be or
what to shoot."
Video packages range from $200 to $2,500 and include a crew of camera people,
editing and copies. One new popular item is a video montage
showcasing photos of your child set to music. This nice coming-of-age video is
fun and a lovely keepsake that costs around $500 or is included in a
package.
Have fun and relax
Of course this party is to celebrate your child, but it's your job to have fun,
too! On the morning of the big day, stop worrying, enjoy the party and
remember to eat, drink and dance. Finally, don't forget your massage appointment
the next day.
Mazal tov!
Audrey Jacobs is a corporate public relations and events-planning
professional who is already thinking of b'nai mitzvah for her two young
sons, Gabriel and Jonas, ages 4 and 1.