Eulogy for Steve Gumbiner by Rabbi Leonard Rosenthal

Eulogy for Steven Gumbiner (delivered by Rabbi Leonard Rosenthal, July 10, 2002)

“There is no replacing a person of wisdom.

There are mines for silver,

And places where gold is refined.

Iron is taken from the earth,

And copper is smelted from the rock.

But where can wisdom be found?

And where is the source of understanding?

There is no replacing a person of wisdom.”

(After Job 28:1-2, 12)

All of our hearts are heavy with grief and loss today as we gather together to mourn for and remember our good friend, Steven Evans Gumbiner, who lost his heroic battle against cancer on Tuesday at the age of 59.

I was just in Israel where I attended a study session on the Jewish perceptions of God, and God’s relationship with us, God’s creatures. Over the centuries philosophers and theologians have grappled with and attempted to answer one basic question which have troubled all believing people: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Despite all of the best attempts of great minds to answer this question, ultimately there is no answer. As we all know from personal experience, life is not always fair, and good people, such as Steve, die young.

When faced with grief and loss, we Jews traditionally recite the words of our tradition: “God has given, and God has taken away, Praised be the name of God.” It is our way of accepting pain and loss, but at the same time reaffirming our belief in God and the goodness of the life that God grants us.

This morning we are not going to try to answer unanswerable questions. Rather we are going to reaffirm the goodness and the beauty of the life of our good friend, Steve Gumbiner. Steve understood the beauty of life. He drank richly from the cup of life each day that it was offered to him, and he enriched the lives of everyone around him.

A few months ago Norman Greene wrote about Steve in an article that appeared in the San Diego Jewish Press Heritage. He spoke for all of us when he wrote: “I have never met anyone who doesn’t have a good word to say about Steve Gumbiner...By anyone’s standards, he is a true mensch.”

Now while it is impossible to encapsulate anyone’s life, spirit and personality in the few short minutes we are allowed in a eulogy, at the same time it takes only one word to summarize everything that needs to be said about Steve Gumbiner: Steve was a mensch. The rest is only commentary.

Mensch is a Yiddish word which literally means “a man.” But a mensch is more than a man. A mensch is a human being whose actions, thoughts, and very soul reflect goodness, generosity, courtesy and above everything else, love.

Steve Gumbiner was man whose essence was love: love of his family, love of his friends, love of his employees, love of his heritage, and love of all of God’s creatures.

His mother, Ruth, told me that even as a child growing up in her home, everyone could already tell that Steve had great feelings for everyone around him. He had a beautiful personality, and was a warm, kind, respectful and considerate son. Steve, his brother, Mark, and sister, Anne, were their parents’ jewels.

Steve always wanted to help people, and was a great peace maker. He wasn’t one to argue, was a good listener, and valued Shalom Bayit - household peace - above all else.

Steve was born in Chicago, and grew up in Highland Park, Illinois. He received his B.A. at the University of Illinois, and then attended Law School for a while before deciding a lawyer’s life was not for him. He had enrolled in R.O.T.C., and fulfilled his duty to his country by serving in Vietnam as a First Lieutenant in the Civil Affairs Office. His job was one that seems singularly fitting for Steve: he was responsible for working with the local population and making their lives easier during the war. His brother, Mark who was also in the service at that time, remembers with joy Steve’s safe return to the States after finishing his time in Vietnam.

But his brother, sister and parents weren’t the only ones Steve was looking forward to seeing again when he returned from his tour of duty.

Before he was sent overseas, he came to San Diego, where his parents had moved, for a little “R and R.” A friend of his who lived in San Diego told him that his wife worked with a “nice Jewish girl” whom she thought Steve might be interested in meeting. Steve called up that “nice Jewish girl” and the two of them went out every night while he was on leave. Sadly, Steve’s friend passed away a few years ago, but his widow, Davy Gibson, is here with us today.

Steve and Judy hit it off from the start. During the 11 months Steve was away they kept in contact, and Judy baked cookies (in a very hot kitchen, Ruth told me) and sent them, and other goodies, to Steve while he was in Vietnam.

Steve returned on July 16, 1967, the same day that man landed on the moon. They were engaged by December and married in June. Steve and Judy Gumbiner shared 32 wonderful years together as husband and wife.

Judy and Steve were a perfect couple, who not only loved and cherished each other, but who also shared many of the same interests and values. As the years went by, the grew even closer together than they were at the start.

Their children Hilary and Scott, and son-in-law, Michael, told me that their parents were very loving. They were always there for each other. They supported and encouraged each other, and gave each the freedom and strength to fulfill their own dreams, as well as their dreams as husband and wife, and as a family.

Judy told me that she always admired Steve’s self confidence and strength as a man. Steve admired Judy, and encouraged her to be her own person, have her own goals, and to live up to her own abilities and potentials.

He was proud of Judy’s professional achievements and accomplishments, as well as of her volunteer leadership work with Hillel and the Agency for Jewish Education. Judy, in turn, supported Steve not only in business, but in his leadership of the synagogue. the J.C.C. and community. They also shared leadership roles together, such as during the years they were on the cabinet of U.J.F.’s Young Leadership Division. It was during their years working as part of the U.J.F. leadership, that they formed their Chavurah, which is over 30 years old, whose members they still count amongst their closest friends.

Steve and Judy had a very balanced, as well as loving, relationship. Steve did not believe that his role as a husband was to be the bread winner, while Judy took care of the house. Perhaps he might not have thought of himself or labeled himself as a feminist, but he truly was. He shared with Judy all of the household duties and responsibilities, including the raising of Hilary and Scott, and never thought of either of them as the “boss.”

Hilary and Scott told me that Steve was a great father, who always supported and encouraged them in everything they wanted to do. Hilary remembers Steve walking her to school every day when she was in Kindergarten and First grade, because she was afraid to go in by herself, as well as coming to all of her special programs and events.

And Scott remembers Steve coaching him in soccer and baseball. After he was diagnosed with diabetes, Steve took his lunch hour every day to come over and help Scott test his insulin level until he was old enough to do it himself.

As his children grew up, Steve grew even closer to them. Hilary remembers their long conversations when she was away at school, during which they talked about everything. Steve encouraged Scott to find the major that best suited him in college. He was always interested in, and encouraged him, in his music. He also regularly played racquetball with Scott.

One of the happiest days in Steve’s life was when Hilary married Michael. Steve beamed with joy, and Hilary especially remembers Steve coming downstairs at home before the wedding and telling her how proud he was of her.

Michael was welcomed into Steve and Judy’s family, and became like another son to them. Michael told me that Steve as one of the best people he had ever met, and how he always had a good word to say about everybody. Michael also remembers the toast that Steve offered on his and Hilary’s wedding night, when Steve paid tribute to Judy, and gave her all of the credit for raising a wonderful children. It was a testament to his love of Judy and Hilary.

Steve Gumbiner truly loved his family. He not only told them how much he loved them and how proud he was of them, he also told everyone else around him. No conversation for Steve was complete, unless he told you how much nachas he was receiving from his kids, all the great things that Judy was doing, and that his mother, Ruth, was wonderful.

The Gumbiners did everything together. The family especially remembers those special trips to Israel, Paris, Turkey, Egypt, Russia, Alaska and other destinations. The Gumbiners were always together on their trips, except for the last time when Steve and Judy went to the British Isles alone.

Steve had many friends, both within the synagogue and in the community at large. From the minute you met him, you couldn’t but help first liking, and then loving, Steve. He had this incredible energy and enthusiasm about him. He was always in a great mood, and his smile lit up your life. He was kind, generous and giving, and when you spoke with him, he always made you feel like you were the most important person in the world.

And of course, if you talked to Steve, you also soon realized that he had an incredible sense of humor. He liked to tease people, loved irony, and often a conversation would be halfway through before you realized he was putting you on. Don’t worry; he not only teased us, he teased his family as well! This was one of the ways he liked to make people smile and laugh.

I told his family this morning that one of the things I most admired about Steve, was his genuine concern for those around him. Whenever I called him, he always returned the call right away, and even if it was a call that began with shul business, it was always personal by the end. He had a great memory, and always asked about my kids, and my family. He was always more interested in what you had to say, rather than what was on his mind. He always wanted to know what was going on at the synagogue, and even after his term as President of the congregation, maintained leadership roles on the Board, co-chaired our Carnival Fund-raiser. No matter when, no matter what, Steve was always accessible for help and advice.

In 1997, Tifereth Israel and Israel Bonds honored Steve and Judy for their contributions to the synagogue and the State of Israel. What I said then, still holds true today. We honored Steve and Judy because they were modest, humble and selfless, and because of their great dedication to the congregation and Jewish community.

Steve and Judy and Ruth are long time members of the congregation, and with their children, have celebrated many simchas here, including B’nai Mitzvah, Confirmation, and Hilary and Michael’s wedding. The Gumbiner family has contributed to this congregation with their means, as well as their time, supporting our programs, our concerts, our special events, and more recently by sharing in the dedication of the fused glass sculpture tribe of Dan in the lobby.

Steve was also an excellent businessman, who had excellent relationships not only with his customers and suppliers, but with his employees as well. After his B.A., Steve had earned an M.A. in Urban Planning, and worked in city planning and then mortgage banking, before joining his father at Equality Screw, four years before his father died. He worked with his father, and afterwards managed the business on his own, as it continued to thrive.

Steve’s employees loved him. I would like to share a note that Ruth received from one of them after Steve’s death:

“Along the journey of life, we come in contact with many people, but only a choice few make an impression on our lives. I’ve been blessed to have met and worked with just such a person. Steve was someone I can say that was the most caring person I’ve ever had the opportunity to meet and work with. He was not your typical boss. He was a person who demanded perfection and professionalism, but at the same time, he was there to give advice, and more importantly, he would understand when the school would call for me to pick up one of my children for whatever reason. He had been there, done that. He made me and all my co-workers a part of his family. I am blessed to know his mom, a lady not only beautiful on the outside, but beautiful on the inside as well. I’ve met Steve’s daughter Hilary, a daughter that brought a huge sense of pride to her dad’s life. He would light up when talking about her and her profession as a teacher. I have, and continue to work with Steve’s son Scott. I see him at work asking questions, growing and learning the business. I see him slowly stepping into his dad’s shoes. I haven’t had the privilege of meeting Steve’s wife Judy; however, I know she stole Steve’s heart many years ago, and has stood by his side the whole way through their marriage - the good times, and the bad times of his illness. I can’t begin to express how I feel, except to say again that I have been blessed to know Steve Gumbiner. I’m quite aware, however, that I am not the only person who feels that way about him. Steve will be greatly missed.” That tribute was written by Sandra, one of his employees.

His family described Steve to me as a “man of great compassion.” Steve cared about each and every one of them, and about everyone around him. If he saw a problem, he sought to fix it. If he saw someone hurting, he sought to mend it. If you were sad, he tried to cheer you up. He truly wanted those around him to be happy, and the world a better place.

As we all know, even before he was diagnosed with cancer, Steve had suffered health problems for the last several years. His leg was weak, and he at times had trouble walking and keeping up with his usual activities. But Steve was never one to complain. He never wanted anyone to feel sorry for him, never complained about his difficulty walking, and worked hard to keep up his regular regimen of racquetball and working out. Judy told me that even though he had a disabled placard for his car, he often refused to use it, preferring to leave the space for someone worse off.

Because Steve was so strong, and so robust, and so full of life and joy, and so positive about everything, his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer was a shock to everyone. It is just as unbelievable now as it was then. Even after diagnosis, Steve sought to put the best face on things, and was ready to face any and every possible treatment that would grant him not only length, but quality of life. Unfortunately, his cancer proved inoperable, and afterwards, rather than face treatment that would take away his quality of life, without giving him much more time in return, Steve choose to use the time he had left wisely, at home with those he loved the most: his wife, children, mother, brother and sister.

He wanted to live the last few months of his life at home and to die at home. His family gave him the beautiful gift of making this possible. Steve was never alone. If Judy wasn’t there, than Hilary or Scott or Michael was there. Ruth came over all of the time, and Mark and Anne visited and spent long days talking with Steve and being there with him.

During these last months, Steve continued to be his kind, generous, gracious and loving self. He told all of his family members how much he loved them and appreciated them, worried that he was a burden to them, and thanked them over and over for their support. Judy told me that she would sit with Steve watching the sitcoms he loved in the evening, and the two of them grew even closer than before.

In the last several weeks, Steve was too weak to have many visitors, but when he could he talked to people on the phone, and a couple of weeks ago his Chavurah came over to see him and say goodbye.

That same night, Steve asked to speak to Judy, and each of his kids by themselves. It was very special and precious time, in which he told them how much he loved them, how proud he was of them, that he wanted them to take care of each other, and he wanted to know they would be all right. He spent about four hours with his family, talking to them and hearing from them that they loved him, would miss him, but that they would be all right.

After he knew that they would be O.K., Steve told them he was ready to die. That evening was an incredible gift the Gumbiners gave to each other. I can’t tell you how many times I sit with other families whose grief is augmented by their regrets at not having told the one they love how much he or she means to them.

Steve and his family used their time wisely. They used these last few months for each other. There was no word unspoken, no thought unspoken, no love not bequeathed.

I will always remember the last words Steve said to me. I saw him just before I left for Israel. At the end of our conversation, Steve said to me: “I love you.” I feel blessed, as did everyone who knew Steve, to have had his friendship and his love.

Yes, Steve Gumbiner was a real mensch. He taught us how to die just as surely as he taught us how to live.

Judy, Hilary, Michael, Scott, Ruth, Mark and Anne - I pray that God will comfort you in your grief and on your loss. Steve was a wonderful man. I pray that you will always treasure the blessings of strength and love that he gave you. Even though he is no longer with us physically, spiritually he will always be with us. All of us carry Steve’s love within us.

Let us remember and honor Steve by walking in his footsteps. Let us attempt to live the type of life that he led by loving those around us, taking care of people in need, and demonstrating compassion for all of God’s children.