By Donald H. Harrison

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak laced his 45-minute speech to the United Jewish Federation Men’s Event on January 17 with so much humor that you  wonder if, when someone already has achieved his nation’s most powerful office, whether his career ambitions turn next to stand-up comedy.

Barak’s delivery could use work, especially in English, but there was no question that the former prime minister enjoys humorous stories—even those at his expense.

He told of flying to the United States with a brother-in-law and imagining that they had been captured by terrorists, who before executing them offered each one last wish.  Barak said he thought of everything he had planned to tell the United Jewish Federation in San Diego and asked if he could deliver just one last speech.   The brother-in-law told the terrorists “if you’re going to let him talk, please execute me first.”

The joke made me shudder because for me the horror of terrorism still is so fresh, it is no laughing matter.  But I can imagine that Israelis have lived with terrorism for so long—especially those Israelis like Barak who spent their lifetimes fighting terrorists—that joking about it is a coping mechanism.

Noting that his speech to the UJF Men’s Event started only ten minutes later than scheduled, he suggested that it might be some sort of record. He recalled Woody Allen’s story about spending his whole life trying to be late to a Jewish meeting.


A smiling Ehud Barak is introduced at a San Diego news 
conference by Michael Rassler, executive vice president of 
the United Jewish Federation.  {Donald H. Harrison photo}

After lauding the record of comatose Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, he told of happier days when they as two ex-soldiers turned politicians used to compare notes.  He said Sharon once observed to him that the difference between the real wars in which they fought, and the political party wars which consume so much of their time and attention, is that in real wars when enemies are knocked out, they don’t keep coming back.

Discussing peace negotiations with the Palestinians, Barak quoted two sayings by Israel’s late Foreign Minister Aba Eban—the first which every American Jew seems to know, the second one which most of us have forgotten.

The first was that “Palestinians never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.”

The second was that “we Israelis always take the right course of action, but only after exhausting all the wrong alternatives.”

Barak also enjoyed retelling the story of a fictional discussion at Camp David between himself and Palestinian Chairman Yassir Arafat.  In this made-up tale, Barak supposedly related the biblical story of Moses and the Children of Israel on their journey across Sinai to the land of Canaan.  It seems that after striking the rock to produce water, Moses took a bath.  When he finished bathing, he found that his clothes were missing.  “And you know who stole his clothes—the Palestinians!” Barak said to Arafat accusingly.  “Impossible,” replied Arafat indignantly, “there were no Palestinians then!”  “Okay,” Barak quoted himself as supposedly saying, “Now that that is established—let us negotiate!”

Discussing the difference between Israel and other nations who say they will help try to secure peace in the Middle East, Barak likened the situation to the story about the “Gentile breakfast” combination of ham and eggs.  The chicken, like Europe, is involved in such a breakfast, but the pig, like Israel, is committed!

Later, suggesting that while the vision of Middle East peace is pleasant, he added that it is fraught with difficulty.  He related a story about an animal exhibit in the Soviet Union.  In support of their claim that their system would bring peace to everyone, the communists exhibited a lion and a lamb in the same cage together.  One amazed visitor persisted in asking how such an exhibit was possible.  Well, responded the attendant, “the lamb is replaced every day.”

Rather than be a trusting lamb, Barak said, Israel needs to have one hand extended for a handshake, but keep the other hand, at ready, on a trigger.

Before Barak gave his speech, Mark Wilf, national campaign chair of the United Jewish Communities/ UJF, told a story about the Minnesota Vikings football team of which he is a co-owner and president.

On the team logo, those projections sticking out of the Minnesota Vikings helmet are not really horns, he confided.  They are shofars!