By Donald H. Harrison

Your teenager, facing such a decision, comes to you and asks, “Mom, Dad, did you two ever have sex before you were married?”  How would you respond?  Or, “did you ever smoke dope?”

Many parents, believing they have to be perfect role models, will lie to their children about such topics, painting a picture of completely “virtuous” childhoods, figuring that to tell the truth  about their drug use or premarital sex is tantamount to giving permission to their children to do the same.

Lying to your children is about “the worst thing you can do,” according to Rabbi Yehudah Fine, known to his book readers as “The Times Square Rabbi,” but to the troubled New York City teenagers with whom he has worked for over two decades as “shadow walker.”

Fine served double duty on Sunday, January 22, at the “Limmud” or Day of Learning sponsored by San Diego’s Agency for Jewish Education at the Lawrence Family Jewish Community Center.

In the morning, he met with a large group of teens for a candid discussion closed to other adults, and in the afternoon he met with adults to summarize the kinds of things he had heard in his discussion with the younger generation.

He told the parents that teenagers really don’t expect their parents to be experts on the issues facing them, but simply to be candid in explaining to them how they handled similar situations and what they learned from them.  If you’re nervous about talking to your children about such issues, admit it to them but talk to them nevertheless because you are a parent.

The teens want to understand the parents’ real values and to have a sense of the family’s history and traditions – information that they are likely to incorporate into their adult patterns, according to Fine.

Parents should not be surprised, or alarmed, if teens experiment with drinking, sexual activity, or drugs—so long as that behavior does not  become “chronic,” Fine counseled.  He said teens are likely to experiment—to see for themselves—but such experimentation does not necessarily lead to a pattern.  Being really able to talk to your teenagers when they want information at such times in their lives is very important.

The rabbi suggested that parents always welcome their children’s friends to their homes, even encourage them to hang out there.  Compared to many American parents, who on the average speak to their children less than eight minutes each day, such host parents not only will talk more to their kids but also will talk to other  youngsters who may be the greatest influences upon them.

Non-threatening questions like, "how is it going?" or "what's up?" may prompt serious conversations, he said.

Parents often don’t know what is going on in their children’s lives, Fine proved during the classroom session for adults.  He asked parents to estimate the percentage of kids in the previous session—as well as in other surveys—who said that among their fellow students they  “know someone who” engaged in the behaviors listed below.  Invariably the bulk of the parents underestimated the percentages, which Fine reported as follows:

*Know someone who “smokes dope”—100 percent.

*Know someone who is in real trouble with drugs, “a stoner”—100 percent

*Know someone who drinks alcohol—100 percent

*Know someone who binge drinks before or after school—85 percent.

*Know where to find an illegal drug dealer—90 percent

*Know someone who has engaged in oral sex by the sixth grade—85 percent

*Know someone who has suffered from sexual abuse in the home—25 to 30 percent

*Hears threatening language in school—100 percent.

*Know “heavy duty” bullies in school—100 percent.

*Hear gay students being put down—100 percent

*Want to get married someday—100 percent

*Think they will remain married—30 percent

*Think the first phone call they should make if they are really in trouble should be to their parents—15 percent.

*Have parents who talked to them about important issues—90 percent.

*Have parents whose “talks” helped –20 percent.  (Most parents turn their kids off by lecturing)

Remember, said Fine, summarizing, “you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to share and care.”

By chance I sat behind three teenagers at the next Limmud event—a performance by Josh Nelson and the Kosher Gospel Choir.  Promising anonymity, I asked them how Fine had established rapport with them.

They responded that Fine understands kids, that he talks about things that parents don’t ordinarily discuss, and that, besides that, the way “he wears his (baseball) cap backwards” signals that as a rabbi he doesn’t consider himself to be better or on a higher plane than other people.

The students generally agreed with the percentages listed by Fine, although in some cases they said the 100 percent estimate probably was too high—that percentages in the high 90 percentiles were more typical.

Fine closed his session by reading index cards with anonymous questions written by some of the teens who had attended the teen session.  Some of the adults were visibly shaken on hearing them:

*Why did my friend spend a night in the Emergency Room for alcohol ingestion?

*How does it feel to die and have your heart restarted?

*How is God possible?

*I’m worried I am anorexic.

*How do you know when you can trust someone?

*When is it okay to have sex?

*How do you know if you are in love with someone?

*Why did my friend commit suicide?

*Why don’t people care about the suffering of people they don’t know.

*What should I do—my friend has been raped several times by her boyfriend.

*Did Rabbi Fine ever smoke dope (yes)

*Will I live to be an adult?

*What is the fastest way to kill yourself?

*Is it okay to intermarry?

*I don’t know any folks who use drugs, or have attempted suicide.  Am I oblivious?

*Is it okay to be lonely some time?

*My friend misses (skips) school randomly.

*What do you do if a person has been raped by a family member?

*Why do parents keep so many secrets?